Hello Gordon... Frohman?

As Paul Whitehouse probably once said in an episode of the Fast Show "the internet, it's brilliant isn't it?" Well, once you manage to circumnavigate your way past the dreks of cyber society - filled with loons in Forums and chat rooms suggesting Hitler wasn't really all that much of a bad bloke, idiots trolling and flaming others for kicks, dickheads spamming threads with gay porn, and the many other ass-clowns who can't tell their historical discourse from their elbow (a personal bug bear) - then yes, it can be brilliant. Along with all the crap espoused on the Big Web, there are also some elements that have been lovingly crafted by individuals and dolloped with an extra helping of genius, purely to put a smile on you, the users, face! One such article is a web-based comic called Concerned...

Within it's content Concerned follows the actions of one Gordon Frohman, who seems to have been inserted in City 17 at the precise moment Gordon Freeman appears to save humanity from their enslavement by the alien race known as the combine. The comic vaguely replicate's scenario's throughout Half Life 2 (possibly the finest first person shooter ever conceived), but with Gordon Frohman taking the place of Freeman and we follow his mis-adventures through memorable aspects of the games timeline, with much hilarious consequences. If you're a big fan of Half Life 2, you'll love this. If, however, you've never even heard of Half Life 2 or Gordon Freeman, then the joke is already way beyond you.

All I can say is I'm very much grateful to Calptye from dooyoo.co.uk who pointed me in the magazines direction - I've been chuckling away the past couple of lunchtimes and get odd looks from work colleagues thanks to such a quality recommendation! Here's the link to the Concerned website. Enjoy!

http://www.hlcomic.com/

Writer's block defeated!

The creation date of the word document says 4 December 2007 and, following around eight months of twiderling my thumbs, the first chapter of my heavily influenced Evil Dead 2 styled novel is finally complete. It comes to a maximum of about five pages in total and all that's happened so far is the two idiot protaganists have simply been f-ing and blinding at each other whilst stuck in a traffic jam. I'm flying! At this rate, I'll have a completed text that can then be rejected by every publishing house in existence, on account that its complete gubbins, in 15 years time. A little disconcerting as I'd only planned on this occuring within two. Bugger...

Still, this microscopic achievement might just be the driving force to get me really cracking on with the next couple of chapters, where everything gets a bit supernatural and spooky as our anti-heroes find themselves stranded in the middle of Derbyshire. Here's hoping anyhow...

A Dark Night at the IMAX!

I'd never been to an IMAX cinema. When you consider that the London IMAX by Waterloo station is only a ten minute walk from my office then yes, you have every reason to be disgusted. I did want to pop along back at the end of May as they had a Matrix trilogy all-nighter (how fucking cool would that have been), but with the run-up to the wedding building up, there just wasn't the time to fit such an event in. So when my mate Wenty suggested getting tickets for the opening night of Christopher Nolan's sequel to Batman Begins, preceeded by a few extra curricular beers I would have been a fool to refuse!

And what an experience it was. There's good reason why the IMAX is worth watching a movie within. The sound and the visuals on Europe's largest cinema screen are nothing short of immense, and when it shows a film of The Dark Knights quality it makes for a top cinematic experience. I won't go into too much detail here about the film - I'll post a review later when I've seen it again (beer has once again undermined my short term memory), but what I will say is the late Heath Ledger is superb as the joker (putting paid to all the fanboys that got a slight case of 'rage' when he was first announced for the part), Aaron Eckhart is equally as comendable as Harvey Dent, the Bat-Bike sequences are marvellous, it was a full-on action rush and well worth the watch. It's not the best film ever as it has some questionable flaws, but The Dark Knight certainly highly entertaining. Go watch it when you can, preferably at an IMAX!

Success in the British 10K London Run!

Well, it's been a few hours now since the British London 10K Run I participated in at around 9:30am this morning and my legs are just about starting to feel normal again. I'd say the hot bath did wonders, but the afternoon power nap really sorted me out after the trauma of running this particular distance for the first time. Damn, I really wish I wasn't a middle distance runner and could pace myself. Setting off much to fast and completing the first couple of kilometres before you could say "slow down you dopey bastard", came back to haunt my body at around the 4K mark, when a couple of stitches spiked my stomach and really made me grin and bare it through the pain threshold. Could really of done with going to the toilet before the start of the run as well. Note to self; don't drink water like it's going out of fashion before the race, as the tiny bladder will come back to kick you in the nuts halfway through...

Still, got a second wind around the 6K mark, a nice bit of drizzle kept me refreshed and I beat the psychological barrier of reaching the furthest point I'd ever run in my life once passed 8K and didn't look back until the finish. 48 minutes wasn't too bad for my first 10K, and I actually feel rather proud having raised money for Counsel and Care for the Elderly in the process. More importantly, I'm keen to do another 10K for the Multiple Sclerosis Society in the future having laid down a time to beat after this first event. Will keep you posted how this pans out, but for now £300 in the coffers of C&C will do! Woo-hoo!

How to write a wedding speech...

Denied what I would call essential elements to any wedding - Star Wars themed with Miss Clowny coming down the aisle to the Imperial Death March and the Best Men dressed as Storm Troopers; the first dance being Peaches by the Presidents of the United States of America and halfway through me and Mrs Clowny have to fend off three ninjas that invade our dancing bubble - at least the wedding speech was all of my own devising. With Miss Clowny not around to pull the strings to tell me what I could and could not include, you would expect it to have been a scene of beautifully serene silliness and hilarity. But there's just one problem with such an ideal. One's daftness may work well on the written page (or in one's fragile little mind), but projecting yourself as an affable idiot to your most upstanding family and friends is tantamount to wedding suicide.

Think about it for a minute. Even the brilliance of the Imperial Death March booming out on the organ will have many of your guests whispering "what the fuck?" to each other. Sure, a few people (okay, a few fellow geeks) will undoubtedly understand your genius, tell you its brilliant, and chuckle away with giddy delight, but many will simply be stroking their chins in bemusement, think you an idiot for ruining Miss Clowny's big day and, most importantly, will plan to outdo your wedding of bizarre moments in the future by undertaking something much more simple and traditional.

Indeed, there's good reason why a traditional wedding is called a traditional wedding. It bloody works! And that is where all future grooms should be directed when establishing the starting point for their speech. In one sense you are playing to a particular audience and by excluding the majority from your in-jokes, you are denying them participation in your crowning moment. In other words, you're creating a hecklers paradise. Which. Is. Not. Good!

So, what do you do? Well, first off, keep it simple. Avoid elongated lengthy sentences - like my opening one for this post - and more technical language as what sounds good on the page doesn't necessarily work when speaking out loud. Ideally, read your script out loud to yourself, possibly in front of a mirror, on numerous occasions. You may feel a little bit of an oddball doing so, but it ensures that you can identify any nasty tongue twisters or poorly conceived alliteration that would be missed if only reading through the content in the back of your mind. In many ways this is a key part of the speech - no audience wants to see the groom stumble over heartfelt meanderings because they haven't taken the time to read and adjust their script appropriately!

Secondly, don't let anyone tell you how best to read your speech. Some prefer cue cards, some prefer several pieces of paper written in large Tahoma font, some have the confidence to wing it. Either way do what you feel comfortable with. It's important that you're relaxed before the speech and a good way of keeping relaxed is not having to worry too much about your method of delivery.

Other than that make sure the content is appropriate. Don't try to include too many gags - that's the Best Man's job, and the downfall of a groom's speech is having too many jokes that no one laughs at. Who cares if no one laughs at your Best Man's speech - by that point its no longer your problem. Your speech should be the subtle one; the one that thanks the guests, parents, parents-in-law and bridesmaids for being their on your big day. A joke here or there that fits into the many thank you's will go down well. Did your old man pay for you to have a four year piss up at University? Mention it along with a few grateful platitudes about his support in your burgeoning years and people will chuckle. If you can find that balance between sincere and tender content and a couple of jokes that don't stick out like a sore thumb, a good speech is in the making.

Whatever you do though, make sure you mention the new wife! And not just in that now typical fashion at the beginning of the speech when you shout out how gorgeous she is looking. Something at the end, which describes how much you love her and brings a tear to her eye, will end your speech on an emphatic high. What to say? Well that's best left in the hands of the groom who, by now, should know their better half better than anyone else in the world. What makes them tick? What's their favourite song, favourite film? These things can be used to craft something meaningful that will ensure the wedding night is one to remember. Of course, don't say 'you complete me' as its sick bag inducing. Neither mention the word 'annulment' and not even in a jokey way. You'll only get stifled laughter as people question whether the groom really did just say that...

But most of all, enjoy the moment. The speech on your wedding day is your moment of glory, and unless your family and friends are utter bastards (which begs the question why exactly did you invite them) no one guest will want to see you fail. Indeed, you may have the butterflies preceding that moment, but once the Master of Ceremonies introduces you to your guests and they cheer and clap for what seems an eternity, causing the hairs on your neck to tingle with relief, yo u will suddenly have the confidence to deliver a speech no one will soon forget. And with it, in a bizarre twist of fate that features neither Star Wars or ninjas, that moment seals what should be one of the happiest days of your life.

Good luck, men...