Denied what I would call essential elements to any wedding - Star Wars themed with Miss Clowny coming down the aisle to the Imperial Death March and the Best Men dressed as Storm Troopers; the first dance being Peaches by the Presidents of the United States of America and halfway through me and Mrs Clowny have to fend off three ninjas that invade our dancing bubble - at least the wedding speech was all of my own devising. With Miss Clowny not around to pull the strings to tell me what I could and could not include, you would expect it to have been a scene of beautifully serene silliness and hilarity. But there's just one problem with such an ideal. One's daftness may work well on the written page (or in one's fragile little mind), but projecting yourself as an affable idiot to your most upstanding family and friends is tantamount to wedding suicide.
Think about it for a minute. Even the brilliance of the Imperial Death March booming out on the organ will have many of your guests whispering "what the fuck?" to each other. Sure, a few people (okay, a few fellow geeks) will undoubtedly understand your genius, tell you its brilliant, and chuckle away with giddy delight, but many will simply be stroking their chins in bemusement, think you an idiot for ruining Miss Clowny's big day and, most importantly, will plan to outdo your wedding of bizarre moments in the future by undertaking something much more simple and traditional.
Indeed, there's good reason why a traditional wedding is called a traditional wedding. It bloody works! And that is where all future grooms should be directed when establishing the starting point for their speech. In one sense you are playing to a particular audience and by excluding the majority from your in-jokes, you are denying them participation in your crowning moment. In other words, you're creating a hecklers paradise. Which. Is. Not. Good!
So, what do you do? Well, first off, keep it simple. Avoid elongated lengthy sentences - like my opening one for this post - and more technical language as what sounds good on the page doesn't necessarily work when speaking out loud. Ideally, read your script out loud to yourself, possibly in front of a mirror, on numerous occasions. You may feel a little bit of an oddball doing so, but it ensures that you can identify any nasty tongue twisters or poorly conceived alliteration that would be missed if only reading through the content in the back of your mind. In many ways this is a key part of the speech - no audience wants to see the groom stumble over heartfelt meanderings because they haven't taken the time to read and adjust their script appropriately!
Secondly, don't let anyone tell you how best to read your speech. Some prefer cue cards, some prefer several pieces of paper written in large Tahoma font, some have the confidence to wing it. Either way do what you feel comfortable with. It's important that you're relaxed before the speech and a good way of keeping relaxed is not having to worry too much about your method of delivery.
Other than that make sure the content is appropriate. Don't try to include too many gags - that's the Best Man's job, and the downfall of a groom's speech is having too many jokes that no one laughs at. Who cares if no one laughs at your Best Man's speech - by that point its no longer your problem. Your speech should be the subtle one; the one that thanks the guests, parents, parents-in-law and bridesmaids for being their on your big day. A joke here or there that fits into the many thank you's will go down well. Did your old man pay for you to have a four year piss up at University? Mention it along with a few grateful platitudes about his support in your burgeoning years and people will chuckle. If you can find that balance between sincere and tender content and a couple of jokes that don't stick out like a sore thumb, a good speech is in the making.
Whatever you do though, make sure you mention the new wife! And not just in that now typical fashion at the beginning of the speech when you shout out how gorgeous she is looking. Something at the end, which describes how much you love her and brings a tear to her eye, will end your speech on an emphatic high. What to say? Well that's best left in the hands of the groom who, by now, should know their better half better than anyone else in the world. What makes them tick? What's their favourite song, favourite film? These things can be used to craft something meaningful that will ensure the wedding night is one to remember. Of course, don't say 'you complete me' as its sick bag inducing. Neither mention the word 'annulment' and not even in a jokey way. You'll only get stifled laughter as people question whether the groom really did just say that...
But most of all, enjoy the moment. The speech on your wedding day is your moment of glory, and unless your family and friends are utter bastards (which begs the question why exactly did you invite them) no one guest will want to see you fail. Indeed, you may have the butterflies preceding that moment, but once the Master of Ceremonies introduces you to your guests and they cheer and clap for what seems an eternity, causing the hairs on your neck to tingle with relief, yo u will suddenly have the confidence to deliver a speech no one will soon forget. And with it, in a bizarre twist of fate that features neither Star Wars or ninjas, that moment seals what should be one of the happiest days of your life.
Good luck, men...
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